Dear Asshole,
You will probably never read this because I do not believe you know that I have a livejournal. This is good though, I do have a restraining order on you, and unlike you, i obey the order. You however feel no need to stay away or not contact me. As if you havent done enough to me, how dare you even think I ever want to see you again, let alone talk to you. You have shit on me soo many times I can not even count anymore.
i want to thank you for showing me how much of an asshole you can be, especially on my birthday. You remember that night, that was the night you bit me and punched me! Thank god i have med insurance, the ER bill is still $100.00 though, not to mention the antibiotic. Did you know that a human bit is worse than an animal bit? I have this wonderful scar on my wrist. Outside the bar, bit my wrist; asshole!!! yeah, thats right!
then, to make matters worse I didnt talk to you for 2 weeks after that and when i finally did you decided to get a guys phone number before you came to my place, thanks! I have given you oh so many chances and all you do if fuck them up!
Then, you decide to come to my apartment, when i wasnt there and break in!!! You broke my fucking window, and DO NOT give me shit that you were not trying to "break in" but trying to save my cat from getting outside. You know my cat asshole, she would run down to the basement as soon as she heard banging and then glass shattering. So, you were trying to get into my place to get to me, even after I said you are not allowed over my place, there was a formal complaint made against you by my up stairs neighbors!
So, what do i do....i put a restraining order against you! i refused to read anything you sent me till the other day!!!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!!!

How dare you, how dare you SLASH my tire and then try to make up for it by putting a dozen tulips at my door thr next day!!! YEAH, that was a great, GREAT apology!!!

This friday I hope not to see you at court!!! How dare you come to my door this morning, knocking like I would answer it. Like i want to talk to you. You really are a crazy son of a bitch! I hope you have a good session 2night at your shrinks, the shrink that you finally decided to see after you bit and punched me. Tell me, did you tell him or her that you broke into my apartment, slashed my tire??? I hope he or she knows about those incidents!!!

And another thing...You need to leave Youngstown. This shit-hole is not big enough for the both of us! I was here 1st, get out, get out and burn in hell. Burn for the shit you have done to me. You will never EVER find anyone as great as I was to you. NEVER!!! You have hurt, abused, embarassed, assaulted, and shit on me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many times.

I would wish you happiness in your future, but i simply do NOT care what happens to you, EVER! MAY you fuck off in a turmoil of all consuming confusion and utter abyss!!!!

You have sealed your karma for pretty much your whole life, if you ever, EVER think you are happy, I swear to you that it will show its true colors and you will choke on dispare!!!!

signed,
a GREAT person that loved you, and will never love you again!!!!

sitting in my apartment, my newly forgiven boyfriend lying in my bed and i am burning alive. i dont understand life and i dont think i ever will. i swear to god, if there is a god all he does is sits up there and laughs his or her ass off. grrrr motherfucker grrr, i hate, i hate, i hate....and this is funny b/c b4 my boyfriend i didnt hate, i didnt hate at all and now i feeel like an asshole for letting him affect me the way he has.

what the hell, there is only so much alcohol can do and everything else is pointless, and annoying...wow i hAVE some deinite issues and they stem from him....fuck that, maybe its all me. i mean i am the jack ass that took him back after what he did to me goddammit!

i love pearl jam, gotta love "better man"

well, b4 when i thought i was back on here i was wrong. i thought id be able to write in here but i still didnt have a computer of my own.....well...now i do, YAY!! i gots me a new apple macbook. i am soooo exceedingly happy. i have never had my own computer and now i have a beautiful white laptop.....horray i could just die! but i wont cuz that would suck. so, yeah now i am officially back from a very long vacation. i couldnt respond to anyones comments b/c my name would show up at work and i am an art instructor for adults with disabilites and i didnt want my name to show on their computers, ya know. k, im gonna play now. i have a built in camera, wow...hehe

A lot has happened in my life since i posted last. my god i have not wrote in this journal in oh so long. but now that i am back in college...Hooray, i see myself getting back online. I have been living in ytown now for quite sometime and i am an art instructor at a private facility for adults with special needs. i love working with these great people, i can be myself and silly and they love me and i love them. its very rewarding. i am sitting in the ysu computer lab and i think back to my days at Kent state when i was a freshman and 1st got this account. i miss so many people from those times. we had some great fun, now i find myself to be 23 living on my own working full time and about to go to school at night part time. it has taken me a long time to get to where i am. god knows how messed up i used to be. but then again a lame person is a boring person. ha! i had a snow day today..and got paid for it, sweeeeeeeeeeet apple pie. well, i could continue to ramble on but i wanna read peoples journals that i have not read in like 4ever.

Date:	2005-07-31 23:48
Subject:	hmmmm
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

wow, i havent written in this in like 4ever.....FOR real man. i feel totally different now as a human being then i did when i wrote in this i dunno how many years...hmmmm, not that llong i think, but so much has gone on in my life, its kinda like.."huh, what was THAT?" HAHAHA, but seriously wow man....so i got a killer job as an art instructor with the MR/DD and its changed my life so much for the good i love it. but ive basically been dealing with issues with relationships....like...who the hell came up with that idea. too funny to even ponder, but whatever; everyone deals some way or another. i cant believe that he called and left me that voice mail, im like....uhhhhhhhh. say what? DUDE, its like whatever...blame me for almost comm....ya know what....ive been over that fuck for quit some time, it doesnt matter!!! lalalala...anyways...im doing pretty good and i dont get to check this much, my puter at work i have but,but my stupid name says "fagg" in it.....anyone know how to change yer name???? i tried couldnt do it yos.

Date:	2003-10-15 18:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	wish i may

i havent written in like 4ever. well, theres too much going on not to now...i need to. i find that i grab for my journal and then i just sit there and doodle in it. the same shit is happening to me like it always does. i got kicked out, or moved suddenly as is the case with my life these past 3 years and im so sick of it. i know however that im stronger now from the other shit, but after awhile its like come on, this is bullshit. my parents as always decide not to help me in any parental way. they have never supported me emotionally so why should they support me financially? well whatever the reason im sure its good. my life is going so well, well was going so well till mount maria blew. fucking cunt! i should of known better then to pit myself against another italian. shes evil. she kicked me out of my apartment that i had been living in 6 months b4 she just moved in september. she agreed to me living there like i was b4 she moved in. then she decides that i need to pay rent even tho i sleep on a couch and have no real room and already pay for phone and cable by myself. so i agree. fine whatever. then i find out her dad is paying her rent and she was just going to pocket my hard earned coney dog money. (yes i work at a hotdog shop) i know...i havent posted for real in a loooooong ass time. but yeah, i wasnt going to give her money to do whatever she wanted to use it for. fuck that, i told her it goes to rent she said no, me! so b/c i wasnt on the lease and even tho our roommates are my best friends and mutually me to them. i get kicked out, cuz she threatened to get my other roommates in trouble for letting my live there w/o the landlords permission. so i went to live with my sister cuz she said here nick live here for a month till u figure things out. then she decides to fuck with my head like she loves to do b/c shes a CUNT! and she told me i have 2 weeks now. fuck her....then my mother told me to go live at a Y. im like, my parents suck. they have never helped me out in 3 years of being on my own and they wont ever even when i have no where to go. complete bullshit!!!!! anyways...other then all that shit things are great.

Date:	2003-09-18 19:41
Subject:	grrrrrrrrrrrr
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	happy days are here again

standing here in the library on campus and i realized its been a long ASS time since ive posted but there isnt much else to say. i think i said it all in my last entry. my boyfriend Dan is UBER great and im very happy with my life right now. not back in school, prolly wont be till a long ass time. if i can ever convince my asshole father to help pay, its not like hes short on money, thats one fault he doesnt have. his fault lies in the fact that hes a selfish bastard. but its okay...ill get to school when i can. it will always be here. well, i could keep rambling but i doubt anyone cares, its been so long uve all prolly 4gotten who i am....hehe, oh well. well...everyone take care. peace out.

Date:	2003-08-17 01:09
Subject:	my dan
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	shout

its been awhile. and it all stems from the new thing nick has in his life called a boyfriend. like, wow...this never ever happens. but yeah, i wont go on and on, b/c i know what its like to read happiness when there isnt much happiness going around or w/e but, yeah...his name is Dan, hes the most beautiful hippie ever...yeah, my boys a hippie...i love it...hehe, he rocks my world. but thats where ive been. i never get online anymore. im just so fucking happy...its cool. okay....

Date:	2003-07-30 01:38
Subject:	drama
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	american music

so...to put easily....fuckface fucked this boy dan im talking to now while dating jason. thus proving my point that fuckface NEVER deserved jason, or anyone. he is nothing but SHIT. he fucked over so many guys..hes an ass. and on top of that. he tells dan that hes just using jason right now for a place to live for free. cuz jasons dad is paying the rent. so im uber pissed at fuckface and seriously think him the scum of the world. and i feel so bad for jason, i knew hed get hurt and fuckface would cheat on him, but i just want him to be okay...i always wanted to protect jason, but i dont know what to do. and on all this me and dan are "talking" now...very strange, but we are soo alike besides fuckface.

Date:	2003-07-27 00:11
Subject:	me and steven
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	four leaf clover

that picture that was my last post is me with my sexy friend steven...im on the left and hes on the right...thanks to my liz she used her scanner to post it for me on her own time. fanks, im not puter smart enuf to do it myself...hehe.

i LOVE that picture....

Date:	2003-07-25 01:21
Subject:	jason letter..i dunno if i should send it...........
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	reckoning

okay, listen...i cant do this Jason. we are supposedly back in each others lives...but ummm, im looking around and listening to the absence of a rang of the phone and i see that this is not so. we are not in each others lives, at least not in the aspect that i choose to have and believe when somone is in my life. and, this just fucks with my head everytime u decide to get a hold of good ol dependable nick to know that u are loved by someone. does it feed yer ego? i wonder these things day in and day out...i curse you as equally as i care for you. i sit and think why this happens..i think why u come back in my life for a brief span of time and then when i open my eyes i find you missing once more. i dont know whats better...seeing u in my dreams knowing i cant have you when i wake up, or seeing or hearing from you once in awhile...oh, wait thats my life...dreams...i cant tell anymore if im still dreaming or im living life. but if i were dreaming all the time ud be in my life. REALLY in my life, and im not gonna get into "stuff you dont believe, or the stuff you ignore or the stuff you dont tell me" im simply saying that this messes with me, and if u care for me at any level, which i believe sometimes...but not these times where u leave me hanging in limbo. LISTEN, i want to be there for each other. i wanna know whats going on with you, i want you to call me and tell me if u are feeling sad or happy or what u did that day...i dont care...any subject u like. the point is....i dont think u relaize when u hurt me, or id like to think u dont, cuz if u did and purposely hurt me, then thats just wrong. sometimes, i think one day everything will make sense and what i know is real will be. but even if not, which sometimes i think not...i still want you as friends....granted its hard for me to be so close to someone i cant have....id rather be in the understudy then not in the play at all......tho either way truthfully Jason it hurts. everyday i know that i dont know whats happening with you, if you are okay, if you are safe, to not know about the dealings of a loved one strains me. im happy with my life and ive resigned to the fact that this may never be...who knows how it would go if it did...but truthfully if it did it would be fantastic...and im not saying that word as in the meaning of perfect..for perfect changes with each tongue that swirls it out. but, im rambling and i feel like a broken record, i dont know how things are with you and tim, i must admit that i did hear you were fighting and i just wanna make sure u are okay. b/c as a friend u come 1st and i believe thats the strongest kind of love, the love that starts with a friendship, so as a friend jason and not a kitten at pouncing....i will think twice, i will think thrice....and i wont hurt you, or make u feel uneasy with talk of love. im telling you now that i am yer friend and wont speak such things as u arent ready to hear. altho some answers would be nice, seems everytime u mean to say them you never do..........whatever lies in yer thoughts is illusive to me. someday id like to say i know u better than anyone else....just b.c when i love someone, and i do love people they mean the world to me, and i soak them up and fill my soul with their dreams, life and love and loses....but we need to be friends. ive apologized and u said that we all do things in the past we wish we could change...if it were only possible to start over. maybe life as in reincarnation is, only that u are born the same person, same name, same people and same situations till u get it right. just let me get this much right.........................................

okay, i feel better and i hope you do to. be safe and take care.

~nick

Date:	2003-07-20 02:55
Subject:	stonedness
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	polyester bride

havent posted in awhile...been busy and kinda outta the livejournal post thing...things are great at the wiener shop. i got to see angela, which i was very happy about and met her fagg from home, Seth. we went to the BELT, havent been there in ages. of course i saw people i know, and then the people that i dont really know, but kinda know...see...i can talk to these faggs online, but i cant face to face. im too nervous, i duno why. im sure i look like an asshole. but im not...i mean its been like 2 years ive been here and i dont know any faggs from akron...LOL, its very weird..id like to give faggs a chance to be friends with...i dunno, guess it doesnt matter. it just kinda bugs me that i cant go up to someone that i dont know, or especially people i do "kinda" know...its weird and im stoned so ill go now.

Date:	2003-07-15 03:30
Subject:	some people have no taste....
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	sounds of silence

the league of extraordinary gentlemen kicked ass. go see it! so many different people in fiction brought together, it was great. definitely an ownable movie!

Date:	2003-07-14 03:49
Subject:	surreal is sublime
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	landslide

I LOVE DALI!!! ::yay::



You are the Geopoliticus Child Watching the Birth
of a New Man. You seem kind of dismal, but it
looks like you still have hope. Just believe it
will all get better.


Which work of Salvador Dali are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-07-06 07:41
Subject:	livejournal shit
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	galaxie

anyone that wants to take me off their friends list thats cool, i dont do this livejournal stuff much anymore. so im only posting for myself once in awhile and i only check certain peoples journals. so if u feel the need to X me out, its cool. of course just b/c i dont comment doesnt mean i dont read yer posts. however there are certain people who i dont want to lose on my list. and u most likely know who u are, most are just people i know in real life that i dont talk to much anymore. thanks =)

::gets ready for work::

Date:	2003-07-06 07:25
Subject:	the circle of life......
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	american music

so this whole life situation i believe to be just one big joke. either that or life truly is a circle. cuz i look around and see that im back where i was 4 1/2 years ago. sitting home alone watching gone with the wind, tapes of avonlea and many other "nick movies" doris day and other such things that kept me from fully understanding my lonliness. i sit, eat and smoke the only differene here is that my Tabbi cat isnt here to keep me and bug me for whatever it is that i make a glutton of myself. so many people and friends lost and yet who cares? i dont think i do. im over it. so what if im alone and prolly will be for the rest of my life. im aware of my station in life. that NO matter who is in my life i will ALWAYS come second to everyone. of course, i could try to change this, i could call people to chill with, but frankly im sick of doing ALL the contacting. if someone actually wants to see me then they can make the effort. pretty soon i wont even have my roomies to keep me company, not that i have had them recently. they have all have more important people then me and have been leaving me alone here very often for long periods of time. but its okay, just helps me adjust into my old ways of isolation. i will soon have my OWN apartment here in kent. with NO roomies ALL mine, i cant wait. just me and my kitty cat. i miss her soo much, and i must say that once im living alone with my Tabbi then ill be happily alone. i will, im soo looking 4ward to only working and spending quality time with my kitty that i have missed soo much. im soo excited to have her with me again. horray for her. she is after all the only thing that kept me alive for 2 years b4 scottie brought me back to life.

so, yeah anyways...life is a circle and will never surpirse me again. because im not trying again. the people and friends that are in my life now are the last ones i will have, at least for a very long time. and im very sure that they will not last. i only have about 4 very close friends left and i see them very rarely....so after they are all gone, b/c im not fighting for those relationships anymore im on my own. the way it should be. im happy about it.....nick time...finally its been awhile. who was i fooling this whole time of being brought back to life. i dont know anymore if scott did me a favor or not. cuz at least i cant get hurt alone. this boys done.

Date:	2003-07-05 04:01
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	polyester bride

i feel so betrayed.....i LOVE liz phair, but what the hell was/is she thinking. shes turned soo pop. i hate it, i cant even believe she did this. im soo hurt and pissed. i just wanna call her up and be like, what the fuck???........GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

well 2 outta three aint bad. infact i love exile to guyville and white chocolate space egg, but this new one can suck my balls..

Date:	2003-07-04 03:38
Subject:	ANI
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	overlap

ATTENTION:

i heard ani might be coming back to ohio....if u know lemme know...thanks =)

Date:	2003-06-25 20:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	a case of you

saw jason today. oh god...how ive missed that boy.